Take Five

I sat in line yesterday at the drive through window waiting to order a Coke. The day at work had been horrendous. Trevor needed me to pick him up from his voice lesson. After crying behind my closed office door, trying to muddle through the biggest of the stack of problems that I have encountered in this property take-over, I left the office early to pick up my son.

My "To Do List" started running through my mind as I drove from the music studio with Trevor when I thought we'd get a drink. Calculating every minute of this busy day, I brought five minutes in the Whataburger drive through line into the equation. Three cars were ahead, one of which was a van full of passengers. So, I sat in the line long enough to see that the minutes were going to stretch way beyond my five minute allowance, when I decided to leave and go to the McDonald's a block away. As I sat in the next line for five minutes I began to think my time. Hmmm, MY time, well, there isn't much MY time these days. I just began thinking in general terms about "time."

Five minutes. I'm spending five minutes waiting in a line. Five minutes would get me a few blocks closer to my office again. Five minutes sitting in a line, waiting, trying to be patient. What I really need in my life right now is five minutes with my God. Now that's a valuable five!

Time is our time. No matter how we spend it. It holds value, and it needs balance. There is an equation to the time we spend, and if it is out of balance then our lives get out of balance.

I thought about the Hollywood phrase, "Take Five." I think it's time throughout my day to "Take Five." Take Five to go outside and breath the fresh air. Take Five in my office behind that closed door on my knees with my Lord. Take Five, not to sleep five minutes longer in the morning, but to sit by my sleeping child before waking him for his day and soak in the silence of the morning.

As usual, with five boys in my house at this time, I'm about five hours too late to participate in the scholarship contest through, She Speaks Proverbs 31 Ministry. I just read about the contest at, strangely, 5 A.M. this morning! I'm praying for grace though, in hopes that I may still be considered in the contest and it didn't end at midnight on Friday, March 27th. The link to enter is still open!

You can view the She Speak Conference website here: http://www.shespeaksconference.com/

and you can enter for the scholarship at: http://www.lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/search?q=she+speaks+contest+for+bloggers+march+2009

I had a small children's table in my bedroom while growing up. It had bright green chairs and big flowers on the table top. I would sit at that table with my Big Chief Tablet, and write stories and draw pictures. My parents were divorced when I was five, and I clearly remember sitting at that table and God telling me to write about my sadness, draw a picture of my tears. In a plastic box in the attic is a drawing of a broken five year old little girl. He led me on the journey of writing and sketching my heart on paper in words many years ago.

My life has been a journey. I prayed for God to give me a testimony that I could share with others, to show others just how great He is. What I didn't realize at the time was my testimony had been building my entire life.

Perhaps through She Speaks and Proverbs 31 Ministry, I'll have that chance to share my story. Certainly, through God, the vision that he gave this blond haired five year old girl will come to fruition one day.

Tall Walls

My children are playing in the other room with my husband. He's so great to play with them. Seth is the youngest of five older brothers, and he doesn't like to be alone. Doesn't like to play alone for long. My husband is great to accommodate his desire to have a playmate. I'm grateful that he is "all there," and "all available" for the boys, because I struggle to be these days.

I struggle to play. I struggle to get close to this little guy. He's absolutely adorable, and deserves all of a mom's love, and I do love him deeply. I'm just speaking honestly about where my "walls" are these days. They are tall towers that surround my soul. There is just ONE that I feel the closest too, and that is my God.

Actually, I cling to Him. I'm obsessed with my Lord, and studying his word, and feeling his presence. While I long for Him, I am placing a void in my children for a mom that is emotionally present. I know this isn't the way that mom should be. I haven't been this way in the past, and I understand why I'm this way. I just have to get through it, and tear down the walls.

Loss...Parents aren't meant to have teenagers and babies at the same time. I'm convinced of that! While I'm letting go of my older children, I still have a toddler in the house. It pains me so much to see my teenagers go their own way that it leaves me vulnerable to love another, my youngest, like I've loved my first children. Then, to love a child with autism so very much, and to see him struggle, is sometimes unbearable.

I love my step-children like my own children. The doorbell rang this week-end, and there was a gentle reminder as the boys drove off with their biological mom, that there is another mother. Chase is so gentle to balance his mom's, me and Suanna. He's so careful to not hurt one or the other by making either of us feel inadequate. He's absolutely adorable, and truly the child of my heart.

In 1995, I was heartbroken by the loss of a baby. Chase filled that spot. He was born in 1995! He is gentle, yet strong spirited, kind and wise. I was with him while he accepted Christ into his heart this summer, and was baptised. It was wonderful to be present while he was being born into the kingdom of heaven by asking Jesus into his heart.

One summer, our family spent a week at the Nueces river in the Texas hill country. We were the only ones at the camp since it was during the hottest part of the summer. After lathering on the sunscreen, we'd spend the day in the river. The boys began moving rocks, and soon we were all moving rocks, manipulating the flow of the water. The stones became our pathways. The walls we built became something that we controlled, and something that controlled the flow of the water.

I think the first step to tearing down the walls is to recognize that it is there in the first place. I see the stones as clearly as I could see through the cool running river water on those hot summer days. I'd move a rock, and the dirt would stir for a moment, but soon it would settle, and the water would flow.

There are lessons in the stones we move, the walls we tear down, the pains that we suffer. The dirt settles, and soon we're in control again. The water runs clear again. We're wiser and stronger when we can find the strength to tear down the walls.