Jul 6, 2009

I AM GOD

My last entry was two months ago. After writing my last entry "ABC Potluck," a troubling turn of events took place for me. The events led me to some deep valleys of soul searching, and over time, treasures in life lessons were revealed. I still don't have the answers, but I came to a deeper reverence for my God.

After 14 years of property management, I was so excited to have been offered a job at a boys and girls ranch. I love the ranch, my husband is a rancher, and we had great aspirations for the cause. The pay was a quarter of what I currently make, but the job had nothing to do with the pay for me, it was all about fulfilling what I felt like was God's calling for my life.

Part of the job offer/package was the ability to have my children with me at the ranch/school. Only three of my six boys would have attended the school. I was very excited about having Trent at the school, especially.

In "ABC Potluck," I voiced my struggles about this child of mine fitting into society. The struggles became slaps in my own face over the next few weeks. As if the words that I spoke were taken into Satan's hand and driven like salt into a wound. The director forgot, or didn't realize that Trent had autism; and, right before starting my new job she said that he could not attend the school. The board thought that a child with disabilities would not fit in with the other children, and that he would be too big of a risk for the activities that take place at the ranch.

I was crushed! Another place that my child did not belong. In my heart, I thought that he would thrive on the ranch. He participated in hippotherapy ( horse riding for autistic), at Retama Ranch in San Antonio, and absolutely loves the outdoors. The worst part of it all, was the fact that I could not afford to have him in school twenty miles away from the ranch that I would be working. It didn't seem fair that I would give of myself, mother these children at the ranch, but my own child could not participate. At the last minute, the job fell through.

I drove away from the ranch thinking to God, "Life is full of spiritual battle, and you know what God? Satan just won this battle. Some things just aren't supposed to happen. You asked me to work here. You provided the way, and opened up a rare opportunity to work at the ranch. You've prepared me all of my career for this move, and it is gone. He won. I wanted to find people to build a chapel, a place of worship. Have new offices attached to the chapel. I had a vision for growth, and place to build further for your kingdom, God, but, Satan won."

I went on for a few minutes about the unfair things that happen in life, weighing the things that were in God's plan versus Satan's plan to destroy us. I asked God to correct me where I was wrong in this thinking. I was so careful not to condemn the events that took place, but to ask God for HIS clarity. As I asked God for His direction he spoke three words, "I AM GOD."

He could have been in the car with me. So clearly did the words speak to me in my heart with a corrective and powerful feeling that overwhelmed me. I was quiet. I heard the words again, "I AM God." This time, they were softer, as if he got my attention, and just needed me to hear again. I drove in silence the rest of the way home. I thought no more about spiritual warfare, or anything. Mind silenced, uncluttered. Just quiet.

God didn't say, your right, or your wrong about the events or road to take. He didn't offer an explanation as to how spiritual warfare takes place. There was no corrective word or insight regarding whether or not I had read his direction for my life correctly or incorrectly. He just said, "I AM GOD." Somehow, I was satisfied in knowing, that was all I needed to know.

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